Lesser of Two Evils
by Courtanie
Summary: Professor Chaos is getting much too naive for General Disarray's taste. But when Disarray finds himself cohorting with the Coon, he may learn that sometimes the lesser of two evils is a good thing, even for villains.


_**A/N: A commission for my friend Sal on tumblr**_

_**Pairing is Dougie/Butters but...it's like, implied feelings for each other. Idk. You'll understand**_

_**Enjoy~**_

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><p>His brown eyes flickered around the room in a mess of bewilderment and disbelief. His long, bony index finger tapped on the forearm of his opposite limb, impatient and more than only slightly agitated. He sighed, shaking his head as a wild little creature scampered across his foot in a desperate attempt to get away from its current advisory. A part of him couldn't help but feel a twitch of a smile cross over his thin lips at the scene being played out in front of him. There was an air of hilarity to it, but it didn't stop his analytical and criticizing mind from keeping his eyes hard set at the boy flailing and flopping around in front of him.<p>

"Chaos," he began, trying to choose his words somewhat carefully, knowing full well that anything he said wouldn't necessarily spark any flames of a rare temper from the older boy before him, but in the back of his mind acknowledging that nothing but blunt honesty was the way to get through his thick, naive skull. "What exactly are you trying to accomplish here again?"

The head of the other boy in the room whirled around and the analyzing eyes could see that chasing squirrels around the room was starting to easily wear the boy out. Blue eyes met his and a pink tongue darted over lips tiredly. "W-well you see, General Disarray," he started, "Squirrels are easily found in this habitat, right?"

"Well, of course we live by the woods," he shrugged his shoulders. "They're everywhere."

"Exactly!" Chaos exclaimed excitedly, rubbing his hands together in his overly-cliche super villain fashion. "No one would expect these cute little creatures of the day to be infected!"

"Infected with...what, exactly?" he raised his brow and cocked his head a bit. He really wished that the other boy would fill him in on these plans _before _he got there. Walking in to Chaos' garage and seeing nothing but about a dozen little squirrels darting around and the aluminum-clad villain chasing them around like a lunatic was almost enough for Disarray to visibly facepalm. But there was always a method to his madness, a bit farfetched more often than not, but there was something of a plan lingering in the idiocy. Usually at least.

"Why, with the common cold of course!" he chuckled darkly, holding up a tissue in his gloved hand. "Stanley Marsh was out sick with the cold for about a week recently. I stole these tissues from his garbage can!" he prattled on while Disarray stared at him with a blank look over his face. "If we release these infected squirrels back into the wild, they'll infect the others, right? S-so then, we'll watch as they go around town and infect a-all the people! They'll all be so sick and sore that-well, that n-no one will be able to stop us from taking over!" he threw his hands up in the air, panting with the adrenaline rushing through his system.

Disarray looked from him to a squirrel that had perched itself on the cement floor, its little chest heaving in exhaustion as it looked between the two humans in fear. The boy's mouth hung open a bit in astonishment, he realized before closing his lips firmly and clearing his throat. "Okay. I'll humor you for a moment," he sighed, rubbing his thumb and index finger rhythmically on his forehead. "If the whole town is affected, wouldn't we get sick, too?"

"Aha!" he chuckled, placing his hands on his hips proudly. "I thought that you might think of that, General. But I assure you, I've thought this all through."

"Oh really?" he asked dryly, not one bit surprised. Although Chaos' schemes were far out of the ordinary and had a slim to none chance of actually doing anything, he always thought through all the little loopholes of what could go wrong. For that, Disarray would always give him credit.

Chaos pulled out a bottle from behind his cape and shook it before throwing the plastic towards the General. Disarray shook his head slightly and took a deep breath. "DayQuil?"

"_Preemptive _DayQuil," he smiled. "If we keep up a regular intake of this stuff. Why, why we'll be healthy as can be, a-and then we'll be able to do our evil biddin' and not no one can stop us!"

"All right I'm going to stop you here," Disarray frowned, his eyes narrowing a bit. "Chaos, squirrels can't be affected by our flu virus, their systems are completely different from ours, we don't become infected by the same strands of bacteria."

He blinked his bright blue eyes rapidly. "Wu...R-really?"

"Yes, really. You're eighteen years old and you don't know that?" he asked, crossing his arms firmly and looking very much like an angry mother about to rip her child a new one for spilling water on the expensive rug trying to water the plastic plants.

"W-well now, General Disarray, I ain't studyin' no squirrel systems," he said sadly, looking at the floor and watching another rodent trying to make its way to the outside world.

"And for another thing," he continued, eyes blazing, "how exactly did you plan on getting the squirrels to infect people? They avoid human contact and run whenever one comes close enough. That's not exactly going to get them within ideal sneezing range."

"Well I just thought that...that maybe the squirrel would...would slow down with the cold...and stu-"

"And also," he plowed on, "Humans are more afraid of a squirrel with rabies than they are with a common cold."

Chaos brightened at this, "Well then let's get the rabies virus and get our little fellers infec-"

"No!" he burst in exasperation. "Chaos, not only would rabies be deadly to the squirrels but we'd be in a lot of trouble, too. Are you wanting to kill us and potentially not only the entire squirrel population of South Park but also all of the humans if the animals get crazy enough and start attacking?"

Chaos was silent for a moment before his shoulders dropped sadly. "We have doctors. They'd be okay."

"The animals wouldn't," he snapped. He ripped his specialized goggles off his head and shook his head around a bit, a few frizzy curls bouncing around with the movement. "Butters," he said tiredly, his eyes fleeting over his face, "This is getting ridiculous."

"Disarray," the boy pouted, "I'm just tryin' to figure this out-"

"Dougie," he corrected sharply. "The goggles are off, I'm out of character, I don't want to be _in _character again."

"W-wait," Butters said hurriedly, ripping his aluminum mask off and shaking his messy blonde hair around before looking back at the boy with sad, big eyes. "Whatcha sayin', Dougie?" he asked pathetically.

"I'm saying that until you get your things figured out, I don't want to be a part of this anymore," he answered. "Dang it, Butters I've been doing this villain thing with you for, what, nine years now?" he said, a part of him hardly believing it himself. It never seemed like it was that long of a time until he thought about first donning the costume when he was but a little first grader. "We've yet to have one plan that was successful. You keep playing kids' games, Butters," he complained. "I'm two years younger than you and I act more like my age with my own schemes than you ever have."

"Well jeez, Dougie, I-I'm sorry," he fumbled, weaving his fingers in and out of one another in worry. "I-I mean, I don't know what ya want me to...to do-"

"I want you to think like a real villain for once if you're going to keep up this persona," he gestured along Butters' body frantically. "If you're going to try to bring about destruction, then you need to stop thinking outside of nothing more than silly kid-like ideas and things that you steal from TV shows," he rolled his eyes. "Until then, consider yourself a one man show because I can't deal with the childish things anymore," he finished, pivoting on his heel and opening the garage door behind him. He waited for the barrage of squirrels to dart out into the open air before taking a deep breath and following suit. He could feel Butters' eyes following him, could practically taste the hurt that his expression was no doubt sporting. But it had to be done, he knew that it was for the best. Butters would learn with time how it was to actually act the role that he was trying so desperately to play off. It would just take some time. Some very lonely time.

Dougie sighed, looking down at his evil doing uniform and shaking his head. He wasn't even sure why it was that he'd stayed by Butter's side in this whole thing. In all honesty, it was far from what he'd rather be doing. He had grades to keep up, he had a family to help with around the house. But when it came down to it,Dougie knew the real reason for his dedication: He was alone. They both were. Neither of them had very many friends to rely on in the outside the world of the two of them. Butters had always been an outsider to his own age group and Dougie, well, Dougie was still a complete Melvin. No one liked the nerdy kid who did math problems in his spare time, the kid that could figure out a problem quickly with no assistance. No one wanted to be that kid, so no one wanted to be _with _ that kid.

It was somewhat of a sad life but having the companionship of another helped ease the pain if only slightly. Plus for the two of them, he knew that becoming their evil alter-egos helped them escape the world of hatred that they had both grown to become so accustomed to. It was a chance to break from the monotony of being beaten down by their peers and make themselves feel like they had a taste of the power that those whom stood higher than themselves in their peer group seemed to have the ability to mold and shape as they pleased.

It was a pipe dream of a bigger, better, more glamorous life. Unfortunately for Dougie, he'd outgrown the childish antics long ago, staying by Butters/Chaos' side for years only out of desperation to maintain their friendship. He enjoyed the idea of slamming people who held themselves over him down, bringing them down some pegs with some vile, evil scheme. But he also knew that as long as Butters was his only companion, it would only end in multiple head shakes and a firm belief that he was indeed the brains behind the blonde.

It was satisfying in a way of its own to think like that, but still just not what he needed.

"Pst. Hey. Hey, Kid," a voice broke his train of thought. Dougie whirled around on the sidewalk, eyes darting around the road and surrounding houses in confusion.

"Who's there?" he called out, suddenly feeling self conscious about having his uniform on still but not his goggles to keep his identity a secret.

"Up here," the gruff voice beckoned. He looked over between two houses along the sidewalk and squinted towards the direction of the vocals. His vision led him up to staring in a tree, finding a large, dark figure looming on one of the limbs. Were it not for the sudden remembrance of the contacts shielding them, he would have rubbed his eyes in pure disbelief.

"Who are you?" he asked cautiously, placing a foot behind himself to run if the need arose. Evil villain ego or not, he knew from a quick scan of the size of his opponent that he would not be able to hold himself up in a fight against him. The figure jumped down, landing in a posed crouch that Dougie knew all too well. He narrowed his eyes and his upper lip raised in a slight snarl. "Coon," he breathed out angrily.

"Well, you remember me after all this time," the man guffawed, stepping towards him, his eyes visibly slitted dangerously in the sunlight.

"What do you want?" he straightened up, knowing full well that the older man had the advantage. But he also knew that The Coon wasn't one for starting out with violence, he liked to talk first. After all these years, not much had changed. Coon was one that only popped up occasionally on the radar after he'd switched to the side of evil when they were kids. He'd become to be bitter rivals with Professor Chaos, each of them fighting for domination over this or that. However, Coon liked to work quietly in the shadows, the Professor and the General himself had trouble keeping their eyes on him from time to time.

"I couldn't help but hear your little squabble with Chaos in there," Coon purred, the metal shards on his fingertips sliding along one another evilly in a sound that made Dougie shiver.

"I'm not in the mood, Coon," he spat, starting to step off.

"Wait!" he called, leaping out in front of him. Dougie blinked. He always forgot that no matter how large the Coon was, he always seemed to be rather light on his feet when it came to leaping towards something that he wanted. "You're looking for a better partner in crime, correct?" he smiled sardonically.

"I never said I was," he said with a forced voice. He knew just where this was going. It was like every superhero movie about duos gone awry. "I just said that Chaos needs to work on his own for awhile before I'll come back. Now get out of my way," he tried to say forcefully, ending up choking on his words as Coon loomed over him mysteriously.

"Oh, is that so?" he said in a sickeningly sweet tone. "Well, why don't you and I show him just how great actual villains can be, hm?"

"I'm not interested," he stated lowly.

"Oh but I think you are," the man chuckled. "You see, I know your type. You want to be with someone who understands you, with someone who can actually help you raise up to your full potential. And let's face it, with a partner like Chaos, you're lucky they haven't just thrown you two in the looney bin by now for all of your insane plans, hm?"

"Oh, like your plans are so much better," he gulped a bit, trying again to step around him. Coon moved to block him and shook his head.

"Let's face it, I've caused more damage to this asshole town than you two could even wave a stick at," he laughed softly. "You're with the wrong person if you're wanting to cause trouble."

"He just needs to figure things ou-"

"Who knows how long that'll take," he spat with a degree of venom. Dougie recoiled back, knowing that Coon's temper could be a very dangerous thing to mess with. "Come with me. Just for one little evil mission. One that I've already gotten all worked out for us. All you have to do is be there to observe and help when I need it. I won't ask you for a commitment as of yet, but I guarantee," he said, cupping his chin in his clawed hand smoothly, "once you see just what it is that I can do, you won't even remember that kitchenware-wearing piece of shit anymore."

"I s-said no," he said in a trembling voice, feeling the edge of the claws brushing along his skin. The grip on his chin tightened and he couldn't help but yelp.

"Think of all that I could do for you," he spat. "Think of the fact that I've been able to get to more people than you could hope for. All the people who've hurt you in the past? I can get them out of your life forever. I could find a way to get them sent to prison and not one goddamn thing could get them out. All those people who've called you ugly and worthless? They wouldn't stand a chance going up against our combined brilliance."

"Why would you need me?" he asked skeptically, managing to shake his slender face out of the fat man's hand. A shiver crawled up his spine as a dark grin slithered onto the thick face.

"I just need another person to work with is all," he said innocently. "It's better to have two people working out the details of a plan rather than just one, is it not?"

"I...I suppose," he looked at the ground and gulped. Getting to actually act like the villain he knew he was would be a wonderful experience, that was something that he couldn't deny. But working with the likes of the Coon? That was another story. He knew in the back of his mind how manipulative Coon could be when he wanted to get even with someone. He knew well enough that he could be throwing himself into the lion's den of danger by working with someone like him...but at the same time, the taste of vengeance was for once in his life of evil doing lingering in the air. He glanced back towards Butters' house, grating his lower lip between his teeth. This could end up badly, but at the same time, feeling the surge of power, greedy as it sounded, was everything that he had wanted for so long; it was one of the main reasons he'd stuck in his persona for all these years and put up with the childlike behavior of Professor Chaos.

He turned around and looked at the Coon, taking a heavy gulp of air.

"Well, Dougie?" he asked in a sweet voice.

Dougie reached up, pulling his goggles back down over his eyes and straightening up to have somewhat of a stance compared to the gluttonous being. "It's General Disarray."

…

Disarray followed Coon closely as they trekked through the woods. A heavy net was thrown over his shoulder and he couldn't help but wonder just what it was Coon brought him out to Starks to do. After a few miles of walking to get the supplies Coon had hidden in a location that he'd not allowed the boy to see, he'd merely thrown him the net and told him to turn back around and follow him into the woods. To any normal person that would seem like a terrible move on his part but Disarray knew through the life of a villain, chances like this had to be taken. Besides, _he _was the one with the net. If push came to shove he could always throw it over Coon and run for it if need be.

He just prayed that it wouldn't come to that.

"Right up here," Coon whispered. "And keep your voice down, the targets are within range."

Disarray blinked before looking in front of him, seeing three figures sitting side-by-side in the grass, hearing the soft noise of them talking amongst one another and cocking his head before Coon sharply slapped his shoulder.

"OW!" he yelled out in a harsh whisper.

"Keep moving," the man ordered, jerking his head back. "Climb," he instructed before starting to clamber up the branches himself. Disarray shook his head. Hell of a strong tree for being able to keep up the weight of that villain. He grit his teeth and gingerly followed after him, cursing himself for not being better in their physical education classes. Not to be outdone by the man three times his own size, he hurriedly scrambled to the heavy oak limb on which the Coon was now perched, staring down hard at their targets.

Disarray caught his breath before looking down, finding the three figures rather familiar. "Aren't those Stan, Kenny, and Kyle?" he asked, recognizing them vaguely only from Butters hanging around with them now and again.

"Yes, but more importantly is who they _were,_" Coon said lowly. He pointed to them one at a time starting with Stan. "Toolshed, Human Kite, and worst of all, Mysterion," he growled, his fingers curling as he kept his angry gaze on Kenny.

"What are we going to do?" Disarray asked.

"We're going to capture them so they don't get in our way," Coon said simply.

"Oh, well, that's not such a big deal I guess?" Disarray blinked. "But...What could they do to us-"

"Kinny still likes to play hero now and then," he snarled. "And if I only get him out of the way, Stan and that fucking Jew will come find him and turn us in to the police."

"Where are we going to take them?" Disarray questioned, pulling the net off his shoulder and resting it on the limb, his fingers clenched around it and ready to throw when commanded.

"I have a shed in the woods," he jerked his head back. "We'll keep Kinny tied up in the basement and make him watch as we torture Stan and Kahl," he grinned maniacally, his claws digging into the limb in his excitement.

"Wait. What?" he blinked.

"Kinny has a soft spot for them since their his 'best friends'," he rolled his eyes. "We'll make the mighty Mysterion fall to pieces as he watches the two of them almost on the brink of death," his dark brown eyes twinkled with anticipation. "I'm thinking we nearly drown Marsh, he's terrified of drowning," he chuckled evilly. "And Kahl? Well I rather think that fire would match his stupid Jew hair beautifully, don't you?"

"Coon, I didn't sign up for this to torture and kill people," he frowned, letting go of the net. "It's fine if we just keep them locked up in the basement to keep them out of the way but what the hell is torturing the two of them going to accomplish?"

"Self satisfaction for one," he scoffed. "I hate those guys. Especially Kahl and Kinny. Hurting the Jew and making that blonde asshole watch would be a wonderful treat before going out to wreak havoc, don't you agree?"

"No...no I don't agree," he raised his brow. "They're nice guys. And not in their superhero personas. It's distasteful to attack them like this. It takes out the...I don't know, it takes the glory out of unmasking them."

"Well Stan and Kahl abandoned all that a long ass time ago," Coon spat. "And Kinny only does it when someone he knows is in trouble. So he's going to mentally be that asshole Mysterion. And watching those other two suffer will practically kill him," he laughed sadistically under his breath.

Disarray looked from him down towards the three sitting on the ground all laughing about something and tensed. He wanted to do something evil, but nothing quite so...animalistic. He had no intentions of harming anyone, a key reason he'd stayed by Chaos' side. It was never about hurting or killing or pillaging or anything of the sort, it was just about getting some power over their lives. It was simple and evil in an innocent sense. Nothing too out there, nothing too dangerous. Just a wanting for more in life.

He looked at the glutton and narrowed his eyes. "I'm not doing that."

"What?" he snapped his head over to look at his cohort. "The fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm not going to hurt innocent people!" he said firmly. "Stan and Kyle haven't done anything. And how often has Mysterion actually thwarted your plans?"

"Every time," he scoffed. "If it involves those two at least."

"Well then just avoid them and then you can do whatever without the fear of him coming after you," he said hurriedly. "There's no need to involve them if they don't matter in the end!"

"Are you stupid or something? It's preemptive!" he snarled. Disarray blinked at the word, remembering Chaos' face, that evil yet childish smile over his face as he'd shaken the bottle of medicine in his hands. Coon's face was completely different: angry, vengeful, set for blood.

"I'm not helping you," he said steadily. "You want to do it, do it yourself," he started moving to get down from the tree.

"Oh no you don't you assfucker," Coon hissed, grabbing for his arm suddenly. Disarray's balance went over the edge with the large man's assault and they went falling towards the ground. They landed with simultaneous cries of pain, groaning and moving limply along the dirt below them. Disarray looked up as he heard noises, finding a pair of bright green Converse in front of his face.

"Dougie, you okay?" a concerned voice arose. He looked up to see Kyle looking at him with a cocked head. He nodded softly, allowing Kyle to help him to his feet. "Fatass, the fuck are you trying to pull this time?" he yelled at Coon sprawled out on the ground still, all four of them looking at him angrily.

He looked up and scrunched his nose. "Fuck you, Kahl," he muttered, managing to stagger up to his feet. He shook his head, rubbing the nose of his mask and wincing.

"What are you doing to this kid?" Kenny asked tiredly.

"I'm training him to be a better villain instead of the lame ass piece of shit he is now!" he bellowed.

"Haven't you outgrown that shit by now?" Stan rolled his eyes. Disarray's eyes flickered to Kenny who nonchalantly scratched behind his ear. "Jesus Christ that whole thing died when we were like, ten. Catch the fuck up, Dude."

"You're just jealous of the ultimate power that I'll one day hold in my hands!" he yelled.

Disarray watched in disbelief as a fist went flying towards Coon's face and sent him back into the tree. Kyle shook his hand and panted angrily. "I don't care what the fuck you do in your spare time when you want to dress up like a fucking furry but you're not going to corrupt this kid," he lectured. They watched as Coon held his nose and slid down the tree, yelling angrily behind his hands.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU, JEW!" he screamed. "I'll fuckin' slit your throat with a Star of David you fucking money grubbing mother fucking kike!"

"Yeah yeah, heard it before," he rolled his eyes before looking down at Dougie and smiling softly. "Where's Butters?"

"Home," Disarray replied softly, sliding the goggles up onto his head as he stared at Cartman on the ground continuing to banter on about the onslaught Jews had brought onto humanity.

"Why are you hangin' out with him?" Kenny jerked his head towards the heavyweight. "You and Butters have a lover's quarrel or somethin'?"

Dougie's face went up in flames and he shook his head vigorously, "We aren't like that!" he insisted.

"Calm down, calm down, it was only a joke," he chuckled.

"You wanna go home, Bro?" Stan asked him. "We'll go with ya to keep Cartman off your back."

"I...I think I need to talk to Butters," he scratched his fingers through his hair with a sigh.

Kenny patted his shoulder and they all turned to start walking out towards the town. Dougie looked behind him, seeing Cartman on his feet waving his arms and swearing up a storm, feeling a pang of guilt for thinking that being with him would be the rush that he'd been waiting for. Through the constant barrage of insults and scarily successful manipulations, Cartman was just the same as Butters. A child trying to fit in with a world that he just couldn't get the hang of quite yet.

…..

Dougie stood outside of Butters' garage around the corner, watching him secretively as the blonde walked around cleaning up this and that. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny had already departed to go off to whatever they had planned for the day, leaving Dougie with an eerie silence and a heavy feeling atop of his heart.

Things with Butters, planning out evil things, trying to accomplish what the boy knew wouldn't prevail...there was a certain amount of fun in it. Butters was a great person for him to be with, he knew that. He was a kind friend, he was someone who'd always have his back, even when he didn't ask for it. They were a good team in the end. Butters would try to take charge, Dougie would figure out what was wrong with the idea, and then they would be able to go from there.

Why this one incident made him snap he hadn't the slightest idea. Perhaps it was just the anger that they'd never gotten anything done in such a long time. Maybe a part of him just wants them to grow up and be friends in the conventional sense, no evil personas, just two regular Melvins hanging out with each other.

Maybe another part of him just wanted to make Butters learn his true potential. Dougie knew that somewhere in all that nativity, Butters could do some great things. He just needed to be pushed to get there.

He took a deep breath, sliding into view of the garage door. Butters looked at him with sad eyes and a small smile. "You're back, h-huh?"

He nodded softly, "Yeah, I guess so. Any new ideas while I was gone?"

He smiled wider, "Y-yeah! I was hopin' that, well that ya could help me. Ya know, a villain ain't nothin' without his partner."

Dougie smiled back, pulling the goggles back over his eyes and looking at him intently. "Tell me about it."

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><p><strong><em>AN: Oh god Sal I hope this is at least CLOSE to what you wanted T_T I had a lot of trouble with it /cry_**

**_For other readers, if you'd like a commission done by moi, drop me a line :)_**

**_Thanks for R&Ring!  
><em>**


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